In for all I'm Worth

I went to visit my Dad this summer. Dad lives by the ocean in California. I mean, right by the ocean. I could hear the waves splash and crash as I lay in bed. I could walk along the beach before most people woke up each morning.

The ocean is amazing. I live without an ocean. I grew up without the ocean. When Mom says "Let's go to the beach," she's talking about the reservoir. I think the thing that really stuns me about the ocean is it's size. You can't see across it. The waves aren't made by speed boats. It's not a reservoir.

I loved walking beside the ocean, feeling the soft sand in my toes--the way it burned the bottoms of my feet one moment, and the next I would be shocked by a cold splash of water. But I really wanted to swim. I'm not much of a swimmer, but I was drawn to the ocean somehow, so I didn't want to go all the way to a California beach only get wet up to my knees.

So on my last day with Dad, I woke up especially early, put on my swimsuit, walked down the sidewalk, across the street, and through the sand, to the edge of the water. And there I waited. And waited. And waited. I'd take a few steps in...and then a few steps out. The water was just so cold!

The sun was getting higher in the sky. I knew I'd have to leave soon. My heart sank as I thought about the opportunity I might be too chicken to take. At last, nervous, expectant, excited, I took a deep breath, counted to three, and ran into the splashing waves for all I was worth.

"IT"S COLD!!!" I screamed, drawing the attention of the people who had begun to arrive, and filling my mouth with salty water. "I'M GOING TO FREEZE!"

I felt myself swept up, shoved, no longer in control of myself, but moved along by the waves. It was amazing. Glorious.

All this to say that lately I've been holding back. I know I've been holding back. I'll take a few steps toward my God, then get nervous, or lazy, or...or something and back away.

I see the beauty, the vastness...It's unlike anything else I know. It would be a tragedy, the tragedy of life, to say I only went knee deep, that I never swam in this Ocean. And yet I continue to come up with a million reasons not to.

So tonight I come again. I stand here again, nervous, expectant, excited as I take that deep breath. And I'm counting to three. One, two...