Reflections on Hope

At first I didn't know why I was panicking. The traffic wasn't bad. I wasn't running late. And then I realized.

I was afraid to tell her about what happened. Horribly, deathly afraid. It seems like so much of my time is spent being the good Christian girl. Or the good co-worker. Or the friendly neighbor.

And I wanted so much to tell her about my secret, about my pain. But I was afraid. I felt like I was chocking.

So I vowed not to say anything about it.

I was still thinking about that drive later that afternoon at church.

I thought about how it is so, so difficult to take all the broken little pieces of our lives and turn them into a complete whole. We are a smiling face and a handshake, or the man with the old car. We are the person at the unemployment office, or on one end or another of a rape-crisis hot-line. We are smart and talented, or broken and suffering. But never complete, never all those things all at once.

And so I stood there trying to pray, trying to sing. And I prayed for healing.

And then God taught me something.
He is Love, purely and perfectly. And somehow He is able to take our broken secrets, my broken wounds, and transform them into something beautiful.
He is able to make sense of our past and transform it into hope for the future.

No one's story is too frightening, too broken, too hopeless when washed in the Love of God.

Self-Discipline

It's funny how easy it is to fall into bad habits. I don't mean robbing banks or stealing candy from babies. But just letting the "little stuff" slide.

For me, it's been staying up late (like, until 2) and getting up really late.

Not really a huge deal...except I don't get much done at 2 in the morning.

And it drives my family crazy.

And when I do have something to do first thing in the morning, like teaching Sunday School, I know I'm not running on all four cylinders.

So...I've decided to stop letting the little stuff go.

I'll have more self-discipline.

Right after my next piece of chocolate.

How honest do you think a person should be?

Have you ever been dismissed or discharged, or have you resigned in order to avoid discipline or discharge by any employer?

Thank You

To everyone who was so kind and supportive.

Things are going a lot better.

My mom's doing well.

I'm excited about finding a new job.

My Quarter-Life Crisis

I used to think it happened all at once.
One day you're a kid.
You laugh.
You cry.
You say the wrong thing.

And then you grow up.

But meeting with Pastor was tough.
And Mom's having surgery.
And today I found out that Boss was trying to fire me.
And I wanted to cry again.
To say the wrong thing.

It was hard to smile and say
"I'd like to just move on, thanks.
I want to do what's best for us both."

But I know I grew up a little bit more today.

Quote of the Moment

"What you see and hear depends a good deal on where you are standing; it also depends on what sort of person you are."
C. S. Lewis

Invisibility and Being Seen

We all want to be seen for who we are, and loved anyway.
Some people say that the story of the woman at the well is about being seen. Recognized. He wasn't shaming her. He knew who she was, what she'd done...and He treated her with love, kindness, respect.

I hate it when people can't see past my shyness or my old shoes and messy hair. I hate it when they can't see past my limitations.

But this past week I had a meeting with my pastor. I was terrified. I couldn't think. I could barely even talk!

And I was reminded again. It is not just our weaknesses that hide who we are, that make us invisible. Our strengths can blind people to us as well.

Random Thought

I was thinking of moving to rural Wyoming
But last night I got my taxes post marked at 9 pm
Maybe I should stay in the city

The Stories We Wear

Have you ever seen someone and just instantly liked him, instantly trusted him?

Have you ever known a person and the way he looked at you just made you shiver?

I went to see my friend and mentor today, RSL. She is an amazing, giving person, and something about her inspires me.

Today she asked me a question that caught me by surprise. Though it probably shouldn't have. She's the second person in the past few weeks to ask. I wondered how she knew. Was it that obvious?

Her question reminded me of how we can live between two worlds, but we can't really become two people.

the time we spend on our knees
the pain we absorb
our secret sins
the choices we make
the words we choose

They sometimes come out clear and sharp-edged, like a photo in a newspaper. More often, they weave together in a complex tapestry. Our joys and sorrows, weaknesses and strengths. Our stories. They touch every aspect of our lives, each part of our universe affecting the others.

"When they saw the courage of Peter and John and realized that they were unschooled, ordinary men, they were astonished and they took note that these men had been with Jesus."

The story of our lives can show that we have been with Jesus.
And I hope that in my tapestry, I can live and love in such a way that I learn to let Him show through.