I felt like stopping by here tonight. My life has changed so much over the past six months--wholey because of what Christ has done for me. (I felt so stuck before, now I feel as if God is teaching me to take wobbly baby steps forward). So I wanted to stop by here tonight...

Happy New Year!

I was surprised that last year I actually kept all of my New Year's resolutions at least to an extent. My cooking only caught fire a few times. And I can now play several slow songs on the guitar.

On the last day of December, I was feeling pretty down, so I decided to make a list of the things I had accomplished during the year. I was surprised as the list grew and grew. I had made some good decisions in a difficult job situation. I had sought out help and advice when I was struggling in my faith. I had worked to develop my relationship with my brothers. I felt like a failure. But God was still working in my life.

But here's something I didn't even notice until days later--I hadn't even noticed that I'd fulfilled all my resolutions. Maybe this year I'll skip the resolution thing...

Happy New Year everyone!!!

Reformation (pt. 2)

"Here I stand, I can do no other, so help me God..."

I think I pay attention to Martin Luther, not so much because of the stand he took that helped birth the Reformation, but because of the internal struggles he wrestled with. I am sure that many of us can relate to his experiences, in one fashion or another.

Standing against our internal battles--battles of lust, or fear, or depression, or anger, or doubt--is often much more difficult than standing against an external foe. Perhaps the internal struggle Luther wrestled with for so many years helped prepare him to take his stand that day in 1517.

Reformation Day

Yesterday was Reformation Day.

"I cannot and will not recant anything, for to go against conscience is neither right nor safe. Here I stand, I can do no other, so help me God."

Martin Luther fascinates me...

What is your favorite Martin Luther quote, and why?

God is God (pt. 2)

I'm a perfectionist. It seems like such a Christian thing to be. To always be loving and kind always all the time...to never get angry...to never fall short in any way.

And then I mess up and feel guilty and horrible. It's the right thing to do, isn't it? To beat myself up?

I wear myself out trying to be perfect. Trying to be my own savior.

Lately I've been realizing little by little that I try to live out of my own strength. I try to forgive on my own. Try to love on my own. Try to repent on my own. Try to find God on my own.

Only through Christ am I able to love, to trust, to forgive...only through Him am I able to know Him.

God is God...I am not.

God Is God

This song, by Steven Curtis Chapman, touched both my heart and mind. I hope it will inspire you as well.

For those of you who are pastors, etc...

I find myself leaning a lot on church staff these days.
What makes a "good" congregant?
How do I know if I am being overly demanding?
I know you care about all of your congregants, but I also know you have a lot on your plates. Are there things I should or should not do?

Update

I haven't written in a long time I guess.
But I am always very grateful for your comments.
They mean a lot.

I have been visiting my aunt.
She is an amazing person, an amazing listener.
It felt so good to tell, and tell, and tell her my stories.
To feel known.

I went to the ocean one day with her to meet with God.
I prayed and prayed, and sang and sang.
And then a stillness.

As I walked along the beach, I looked down, and there in the sand was a bracelet.
A brown bracelet with wooden beads.
Aunt said it was like God had given it to me.

I slipped on the bracelet and also picked up a little square rock, an igneous rock, and put it in my pocket.
Before my time with Aunt was over, we visited a labrinth, a labrinth where people leave their prayers and special things for God. I wrote a prayer on my rock and left it there for Him.

He gave me a bracelet.
I gave Him a rock.
Although like all gifts we try to give Him, it was really His in the first place.

Reflections on Hope

At first I didn't know why I was panicking. The traffic wasn't bad. I wasn't running late. And then I realized.

I was afraid to tell her about what happened. Horribly, deathly afraid. It seems like so much of my time is spent being the good Christian girl. Or the good co-worker. Or the friendly neighbor.

And I wanted so much to tell her about my secret, about my pain. But I was afraid. I felt like I was chocking.

So I vowed not to say anything about it.

I was still thinking about that drive later that afternoon at church.

I thought about how it is so, so difficult to take all the broken little pieces of our lives and turn them into a complete whole. We are a smiling face and a handshake, or the man with the old car. We are the person at the unemployment office, or on one end or another of a rape-crisis hot-line. We are smart and talented, or broken and suffering. But never complete, never all those things all at once.

And so I stood there trying to pray, trying to sing. And I prayed for healing.

And then God taught me something.
He is Love, purely and perfectly. And somehow He is able to take our broken secrets, my broken wounds, and transform them into something beautiful.
He is able to make sense of our past and transform it into hope for the future.

No one's story is too frightening, too broken, too hopeless when washed in the Love of God.

Self-Discipline

It's funny how easy it is to fall into bad habits. I don't mean robbing banks or stealing candy from babies. But just letting the "little stuff" slide.

For me, it's been staying up late (like, until 2) and getting up really late.

Not really a huge deal...except I don't get much done at 2 in the morning.

And it drives my family crazy.

And when I do have something to do first thing in the morning, like teaching Sunday School, I know I'm not running on all four cylinders.

So...I've decided to stop letting the little stuff go.

I'll have more self-discipline.

Right after my next piece of chocolate.

How honest do you think a person should be?

Have you ever been dismissed or discharged, or have you resigned in order to avoid discipline or discharge by any employer?

Thank You

To everyone who was so kind and supportive.

Things are going a lot better.

My mom's doing well.

I'm excited about finding a new job.

My Quarter-Life Crisis

I used to think it happened all at once.
One day you're a kid.
You laugh.
You cry.
You say the wrong thing.

And then you grow up.

But meeting with Pastor was tough.
And Mom's having surgery.
And today I found out that Boss was trying to fire me.
And I wanted to cry again.
To say the wrong thing.

It was hard to smile and say
"I'd like to just move on, thanks.
I want to do what's best for us both."

But I know I grew up a little bit more today.

Quote of the Moment

"What you see and hear depends a good deal on where you are standing; it also depends on what sort of person you are."
C. S. Lewis

Invisibility and Being Seen

We all want to be seen for who we are, and loved anyway.
Some people say that the story of the woman at the well is about being seen. Recognized. He wasn't shaming her. He knew who she was, what she'd done...and He treated her with love, kindness, respect.

I hate it when people can't see past my shyness or my old shoes and messy hair. I hate it when they can't see past my limitations.

But this past week I had a meeting with my pastor. I was terrified. I couldn't think. I could barely even talk!

And I was reminded again. It is not just our weaknesses that hide who we are, that make us invisible. Our strengths can blind people to us as well.

Random Thought

I was thinking of moving to rural Wyoming
But last night I got my taxes post marked at 9 pm
Maybe I should stay in the city

The Stories We Wear

Have you ever seen someone and just instantly liked him, instantly trusted him?

Have you ever known a person and the way he looked at you just made you shiver?

I went to see my friend and mentor today, RSL. She is an amazing, giving person, and something about her inspires me.

Today she asked me a question that caught me by surprise. Though it probably shouldn't have. She's the second person in the past few weeks to ask. I wondered how she knew. Was it that obvious?

Her question reminded me of how we can live between two worlds, but we can't really become two people.

the time we spend on our knees
the pain we absorb
our secret sins
the choices we make
the words we choose

They sometimes come out clear and sharp-edged, like a photo in a newspaper. More often, they weave together in a complex tapestry. Our joys and sorrows, weaknesses and strengths. Our stories. They touch every aspect of our lives, each part of our universe affecting the others.

"When they saw the courage of Peter and John and realized that they were unschooled, ordinary men, they were astonished and they took note that these men had been with Jesus."

The story of our lives can show that we have been with Jesus.
And I hope that in my tapestry, I can live and love in such a way that I learn to let Him show through.

Between two Worlds

Do you ever feel like you live between two, or three, or more worlds?

Things will be falling apart at home, but you wear a cheerful face at work.

You've just been given a scary diagnosis, but you know you can't tell anyone around you.

You're homeless, but do a really good job of blending in at work or school.

You're pregnant.

You're not perfect.

You know what I mean.

"He stabbed a knife into our kitchen wall. His hand slipped. Gashed his fingers. Cut a tendon. Gonna need surgery."

Actually, she thought it was pretty funny in its own way. That was so totally like him. Fire and ice, sweet and sour, ever the one to go crazy in an argument and end up in the hospital.

But her co-workers weren't laughing.

As they stared at her in stunned surprise, she knew her story hadn't hit quite right. And she wasn't sure if she should have told it at all.

Is it better to be noticed or overlooked, to be understood or blend in, to be remembered or forgotten?

I suppose these are questions we all struggle with at times. But they often bring me back to something deeper. God knows what it is to be misunderstood, overlooked, and forgotten. He knows what it is to be falsely accused and alone. God knows what it is to be an Invisible Man.

God knows the story of every homeless man who pretends to live in a cute yellow house with a white picket fence. He deeply loves every teenage girl who has a child of her own. And as we try to remember the enormous price He paid as He bled and died, I am grateful that he bled for me, as well.

Leap Year

There was a guy in my graduating class, Tyler, who was born on February 29th. So he could only celebrate his birthday on his actual birth date once every four years.

Let's see...if I were born on the leap year, I'd have a birthday once every four years...so if I took my age and divided that by four, that would mean I was only 6 years old now!

Youth seems to matter a lot in our society. And yet I learn so much from my older friends--people who've walked the paths I'm still approaching and crossed the bridges I have yet to stumble over.

Like Simeon, Anna, and so many other people in the Bible, it seems as if God often does His greatest work not in confused, enthusiastic young people, but in the quiet faithful work of those who are often overlooked by society.

This is the day, every four years when, without fail, I find myself imagining "What would it be like if I were younger?"

But today I also wanted to take a moment to imagine "What would it be like if I were older?" I am blessed to be surrounded by so many wonderful examples of amazing godly people--from the young retirees at my church to my frail grandmother. I hope that as I grow I will continue to have many opportunities to learn from people like them.

Wow!

This is amazing! Check it out!