The Walk

2009-10-11T20:33:00.000-07:00

I felt like stopping by here tonight. My life has changed so much over the past six months--wholey because of what Christ has done for me. (I felt so stuck before, now I feel as if God is teaching me to take wobbly baby steps forward). So I wanted to stop by here tonight...

Happy New Year!

2009-01-11T18:57:00.000-08:00

I was surprised that last year I actually kept all of my New Year's resolutions at least to an extent. My cooking only caught fire a few times. And I can now play several slow songs on the guitar.

On the last day of December, I was feeling pretty down, so I decided to make a list of the things I had accomplished during the year. I was surprised as the list grew and grew. I had made some good decisions in a difficult job situation. I had sought out help and advice when I was struggling in my faith. I had worked to develop my relationship with my brothers. I felt like a failure. But God was still working in my life.

But here's something I didn't even notice until days later--I hadn't even noticed that I'd fulfilled all my resolutions. Maybe this year I'll skip the resolution thing...

Happy New Year everyone!!!

Reformation (pt. 2)

2008-11-14T11:45:00.000-08:00

"Here I stand, I can do no other, so help me God..."

I think I pay attention to Martin Luther, not so much because of the stand he took that helped birth the Reformation, but because of the internal struggles he wrestled with. I am sure that many of us can relate to his experiences, in one fashion or another.

Standing against our internal battles--battles of lust, or fear, or depression, or anger, or doubt--is often much more difficult than standing against an external foe. Perhaps the internal struggle Luther wrestled with for so many years helped prepare him to take his stand that day in 1517.

Reformation Day

2008-11-01T22:12:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was Reformation Day.

"I cannot and will not recant anything, for to go against conscience is neither right nor safe. Here I stand, I can do no other, so help me God."

Martin Luther fascinates me...

What is your favorite Martin Luther quote, and why?

God is God (pt. 2)

2008-10-28T11:11:00.000-07:00

I'm a perfectionist. It seems like such a Christian thing to be. To always be loving and kind always all the time...to never get angry...to never fall short in any way.

And then I mess up and feel guilty and horrible. It's the right thing to do, isn't it? To beat myself up?

I wear myself out trying to be perfect. Trying to be my own savior.

Lately I've been realizing little by little that I try to live out of my own strength. I try to forgive on my own. Try to love on my own. Try to repent on my own. Try to find God on my own.

Only through Christ am I able to love, to trust, to forgive...only through Him am I able to know Him.

God is God...I am not.

God Is God

2008-10-28T11:07:00.001-07:00

This song, by Steven Curtis Chapman, touched both my heart and mind. I hope it will inspire you as well.

For those of you who are pastors, etc...

2008-08-27T15:53:00.000-07:00

I find myself leaning a lot on church staff these days.
What makes a "good" congregant?
How do I know if I am being overly demanding?
I know you care about all of your congregants, but I also know you have a lot on your plates. Are there things I should or should not do?

Update

2008-07-19T21:29:00.000-07:00

I haven't written in a long time I guess.
But I am always very grateful for your comments.
They mean a lot.

I have been visiting my aunt.
She is an amazing person, an amazing listener.
It felt so good to tell, and tell, and tell her my stories.
To feel known.

I went to the ocean one day with her to meet with God.
I prayed and prayed, and sang and sang.
And then a stillness.

As I walked along the beach, I looked down, and there in the sand was a bracelet.
A brown bracelet with wooden beads.
Aunt said it was like God had given it to me.

I slipped on the bracelet and also picked up a little square rock, an igneous rock, and put it in my pocket.
Before my time with Aunt was over, we visited a labrinth, a labrinth where people leave their prayers and special things for God. I wrote a prayer on my rock and left it there for Him.

He gave me a bracelet.
I gave Him a rock.
Although like all gifts we try to give Him, it was really His in the first place.

Reflections on Hope

2008-06-30T13:59:00.000-07:00

At first I didn't know why I was panicking. The traffic wasn't bad. I wasn't running late. And then I realized.

I was afraid to tell her about what happened. Horribly, deathly afraid. It seems like so much of my time is spent being the good Christian girl. Or the good co-worker. Or the friendly neighbor.

And I wanted so much to tell her about my secret, about my pain. But I was afraid. I felt like I was chocking.

So I vowed not to say anything about it.

I was still thinking about that drive later that afternoon at church.

I thought about how it is so, so difficult to take all the broken little pieces of our lives and turn them into a complete whole. We are a smiling face and a handshake, or the man with the old car. We are the person at the unemployment office, or on one end or another of a rape-crisis hot-line. We are smart and talented, or broken and suffering. But never complete, never all those things all at once.

And so I stood there trying to pray, trying to sing. And I prayed for healing.

And then God taught me something.
He is Love, purely and perfectly. And somehow He is able to take our broken secrets, my broken wounds, and transform them into something beautiful.
He is able to make sense of our past and transform it into hope for the future.

No one's story is too frightening, too broken, too hopeless when washed in the Love of God.

Self-Discipline

2008-06-19T11:01:00.000-07:00

It's funny how easy it is to fall into bad habits. I don't mean robbing banks or stealing candy from babies. But just letting the "little stuff" slide.

For me, it's been staying up late (like, until 2) and getting up really late.

Not really a huge deal...except I don't get much done at 2 in the morning.

And it drives my family crazy.

And when I do have something to do first thing in the morning, like teaching Sunday School, I know I'm not running on all four cylinders.

So...I've decided to stop letting the little stuff go.

I'll have more self-discipline.

Right after my next piece of chocolate.

How honest do you think a person should be?

2008-05-30T19:12:00.001-07:00

Have you ever been dismissed or discharged, or have you resigned in order to avoid discipline or discharge by any employer?

Thank You

2008-05-19T15:33:00.000-07:00

To everyone who was so kind and supportive.

Things are going a lot better.

My mom's doing well.

I'm excited about finding a new job.

My Quarter-Life Crisis

2008-04-23T16:45:00.000-07:00

I used to think it happened all at once.
One day you're a kid.
You laugh.
You cry.
You say the wrong thing.

And then you grow up.

But meeting with Pastor was tough.
And Mom's having surgery.
And today I found out that Boss was trying to fire me.
And I wanted to cry again.
To say the wrong thing.

It was hard to smile and say
"I'd like to just move on, thanks.
I want to do what's best for us both."

But I know I grew up a little bit more today.

Quote of the Moment

2008-04-22T16:42:00.001-07:00

"What you see and hear depends a good deal on where you are standing; it also depends on what sort of person you are."
C. S. Lewis

Invisibility and Being Seen

2008-04-19T19:23:00.000-07:00

We all want to be seen for who we are, and loved anyway.
Some people say that the story of the woman at the well is about being seen. Recognized. He wasn't shaming her. He knew who she was, what she'd done...and He treated her with love, kindness, respect.

I hate it when people can't see past my shyness or my old shoes and messy hair. I hate it when they can't see past my limitations.

But this past week I had a meeting with my pastor. I was terrified. I couldn't think. I could barely even talk!

And I was reminded again. It is not just our weaknesses that hide who we are, that make us invisible. Our strengths can blind people to us as well.

Random Thought

2008-04-16T15:28:00.001-07:00

I was thinking of moving to rural Wyoming
But last night I got my taxes post marked at 9 pm
Maybe I should stay in the city

The Stories We Wear

2008-03-26T19:59:00.000-07:00

Have you ever seen someone and just instantly liked him, instantly trusted him?

Have you ever known a person and the way he looked at you just made you shiver?

I went to see my friend and mentor today, RSL. She is an amazing, giving person, and something about her inspires me.

Today she asked me a question that caught me by surprise. Though it probably shouldn't have. She's the second person in the past few weeks to ask. I wondered how she knew. Was it that obvious?

Her question reminded me of how we can live between two worlds, but we can't really become two people.

the time we spend on our knees
the pain we absorb
our secret sins
the choices we make
the words we choose

They sometimes come out clear and sharp-edged, like a photo in a newspaper. More often, they weave together in a complex tapestry. Our joys and sorrows, weaknesses and strengths. Our stories. They touch every aspect of our lives, each part of our universe affecting the others.

"When they saw the courage of Peter and John and realized that they were unschooled, ordinary men, they were astonished and they took note that these men had been with Jesus."

The story of our lives can show that we have been with Jesus.
And I hope that in my tapestry, I can live and love in such a way that I learn to let Him show through.

Between two Worlds

2008-03-22T09:14:00.000-07:00

Do you ever feel like you live between two, or three, or more worlds?

Things will be falling apart at home, but you wear a cheerful face at work.

You've just been given a scary diagnosis, but you know you can't tell anyone around you.

You're homeless, but do a really good job of blending in at work or school.

You're pregnant.

You're not perfect.

You know what I mean.

"He stabbed a knife into our kitchen wall. His hand slipped. Gashed his fingers. Cut a tendon. Gonna need surgery."

Actually, she thought it was pretty funny in its own way. That was so totally like him. Fire and ice, sweet and sour, ever the one to go crazy in an argument and end up in the hospital.

But her co-workers weren't laughing.

As they stared at her in stunned surprise, she knew her story hadn't hit quite right. And she wasn't sure if she should have told it at all.

Is it better to be noticed or overlooked, to be understood or blend in, to be remembered or forgotten?

I suppose these are questions we all struggle with at times. But they often bring me back to something deeper. God knows what it is to be misunderstood, overlooked, and forgotten. He knows what it is to be falsely accused and alone. God knows what it is to be an Invisible Man.

God knows the story of every homeless man who pretends to live in a cute yellow house with a white picket fence. He deeply loves every teenage girl who has a child of her own. And as we try to remember the enormous price He paid as He bled and died, I am grateful that he bled for me, as well.

Leap Year

2008-02-29T17:07:00.000-08:00

There was a guy in my graduating class, Tyler, who was born on February 29th. So he could only celebrate his birthday on his actual birth date once every four years.

Let's see...if I were born on the leap year, I'd have a birthday once every four years...so if I took my age and divided that by four, that would mean I was only 6 years old now!

Youth seems to matter a lot in our society. And yet I learn so much from my older friends--people who've walked the paths I'm still approaching and crossed the bridges I have yet to stumble over.

Like Simeon, Anna, and so many other people in the Bible, it seems as if God often does His greatest work not in confused, enthusiastic young people, but in the quiet faithful work of those who are often overlooked by society.

This is the day, every four years when, without fail, I find myself imagining "What would it be like if I were younger?"

But today I also wanted to take a moment to imagine "What would it be like if I were older?" I am blessed to be surrounded by so many wonderful examples of amazing godly people--from the young retirees at my church to my frail grandmother. I hope that as I grow I will continue to have many opportunities to learn from people like them.

Wow!

2008-02-20T15:51:00.001-08:00

This is amazing! Check it out!

Some thoughts for Lent

2008-02-16T14:09:00.000-08:00

I knew a boy who was 17. He was angry. His house is full of holes. The anger just seemed to build up and build up inside of him, and then he'd punch his fist into the wall. There are holes in the kitchen, and holes in the basement. When he punched a hole through the front door, they covered it with a "no soliciting" sign.

One day, he began to pound his bedroom door. Punch after punch after punch. 'Til the door was all covered in holes.

We stood there one night, he and I, in front of his bedroom door. It was already broken. Ugly. Useless. So I pulled out a Sharpie.

And I scribbled across top: POW MIA

I handed the Sharpie to him. EVERYONE WRITES ON THE DOOR BUT ME!

We passed the Sharpie back and forth, back and forth, writing our graffiti on the door.

As I stepped back to look at our finished work, I was surprised by the result. What had been an old, broken door now looked like a piece of modern art. The holes looked planned, the writing purposeful.

Sometimes the pain we carry around is overwhelming. Marriage problems. Health issues. Memories.

We lie awake wishing the past could be erased, the pain lifted.

I do wonder sometimes why the people I love have to face so much. But I also know that it is those painful moments that have ultimately drawn me closer to God, and made me who I am. It is those exhausting days and sleepless nights that God has used to transform me.

It is often what is ugly, broken, and useless that He turns into art.

Ritual

2008-01-26T12:39:00.000-08:00

Preacherman has an interesting discussion going at his blog on ritual in the Christian faith. If you haven't had the chance, stop by and join in!

His post spurred some thinking in me about how I have seen ritual applied to my own life and the lives of those around me.

I think that rituals can be a form of prayer, an act of worship. Don't many close couples have rituals and traditions they follow within their marriages?

Interacting with God is a funny thing. While Jesus was on earth, He was given gifts of gold and tears. I think God has an affinity for unusual gifts given in the right spirit.

And I think that if we check ourselves, most of us would have things in our lives that some might consider "rituals" or "traditions"--little things that remind us of God in unique ways.

-I know a man who sometimes wears a watch with several alarms. If he knows he's going to be in a situation where he might forget to honor God--maybe he's getting together with a buddy who has a tendency to put others down or something--he'll set the alarm for that time. The alarm reminds him to honor God.

-Since I was a small child, whenever I see an emergency vehicle with flashing lights, I'll pray for the people involved. The emergency vehicle is like a Call to Prayer.

-I sometimes kneel when I pray because it helps me to acknowledge God as holy, helps me to focus...it is my way of expressing love or gratitude or even neediness to my Savior.

-Sometimes when I'm really struggling in my relationship with God, when I have drifted far or feel empty inside, I return to the empty field where Christ became real to me when I was 12. The tall weeds make rashes on my legs. It's usually way too hot. And there I will pray.

God is so holy, so awesome, so other...sometimes all we can do is tremble in His presence. And He sometimes brings us such joy...we might find ourselves dancing in our underwear like David.

Sometimes we find ourselves lighting candles, and sometimes we sing. What about you? Do you have rituals or traditions that have helped you on your journey?

Bill Clinton Has a Dream

2008-01-22T16:18:00.001-08:00

Scared

2008-01-02T15:19:00.000-08:00

In a little over an hour, I'm going to go talk to a neighbor about my relationship with God. And I'm scared.

Honestly, it was a pretty confusing year. It wasn't the changes or the struggles so much. But the way God showed up.

I feel like I've been given this huge gift...and I've been throwing rotten eggs at it or...or...something.

So tonight I'm going to talk with my neighbor.

I wonder, will she think I'm totally off my rocker?
It was so hard...picking up the phone..."Hi, it's me from next door...How are the grandkids? Could we chat sometime about...about God?"

I wonder why it's so hard to ask for help, admit we are weak? I wonder why it's so, so hard to admit we need help in our relationship with God?

Sometimes I let Our relationship suffer, and all my relationships suffer as a result, just because I don't want to admit how much I'm hurting...and I don't want to bother anybody.

But isn't it worth it? Isn't it worth it for a husband, a wife, a child? And how much more so to be close to the God of the universe? His heart longs for us, breaks for us...and He rejoices as we draw near, as a father rejoices for a long lost son.

Out of the Mouths of Babes...

2007-12-29T11:30:00.000-08:00

Yesterday my brother "G" and I were waiting for a prescription at Walgreens. We were at the front of a long line of people, waiting as the kind pharmasist talked with my insurance company. It took a long time. I was one of those customers you don't want to be stuck behind.

G collapsed onto the ground. "Pick me up," he demanded.

"You're a big boy. You can get up."

"Am I strong?"

"Yes."

"Who's the strongest? Is God the strongest?"

"Yes. God is the strongest."

G considered this for a moment as he gazed at his feet above him. I noticed that the rest of the line had grown strangely silent.

"Does God keep us on the ground?"

"Well...God made gravity," and I began to explain the basics of Newton and his apple, and how there was less gravity on the moon, so you could sort of float a little there. If only I'd taken physics!

Before I'd dug myself into too deep a hole, the pharmasist came to the counter. "I'm pleased to say, your prescription went through. It comes to a total of $67."

I began writing my check when I felt a tug on my sleeve. "Does everyone die?"

"For the most part," I said, focused on my writing.

"DOES EVERYONE DIE??? WHEN WILL I DIE?????"

"That's a very important question. We'll talk about it in just a minute," I said.

And, with a few titters from the line and most people trying hard not to look at us, we left discussing death, Jesus' second return, and the plan of salvation.

My New Year's Resolutions

2007-12-28T11:27:00.000-08:00

Here they are...*

-Learn to play the guitar

-Learn to use a digital camera (then I could show everyone what my world looks like...at its best)

-Learn to scrap-book (and actually do it...)

-Become a better cook (frozen pizza doesn't count)

Well, we'll see how it goes. And now I can even keep you updated with the wonderful photos I will be taking ;)

*These resolutions are subject to change without notice...and quietly disappear by mid-February.

More Thoughts for Advent

2007-12-13T20:23:00.000-08:00

The website scared me. It wasn't the cutsie graphic of baby bunnies on the left or the pretty lavender background. It wasn't the title at the top of the page--something about love and God and struggle. It was the article. It said I was damned.

Actually, to be perfectly fair, it didn't say that I was damned. It just listed a bunch of things you needed to do, or not do, in order to be saved. So, to say that the article said I was damned isn't totally accurate.

But it was convincing. And if there really was a list like that of things one must do, or not do, in order to earn God's grace, then what about all that other stuff? I mean, that stuff they forgot to put on that list? Like those times I lose sleep over worry...and those days I struggle with some sin or other...what about those other times...the times that I didn't struggle...and I just gave in? If there was any line I could cross that would lead God to reject me, I would cross it. Not because I don't desire God, but because I am me.

The article scared me. Because some of it seemed to make so much sense. It seemed so true.

That Wednesday at Bible study I asked a friend about my questions--a wise older gentleman who knows just about everything and is a little bit like a cross between C.S. Lewis and Santa Claus. He helped knock some sense back into my head.

We know that there is nothing we can do to make ourselves worthy of God's love. "For if righteousness could be gained through the law, Christ died for nothing." One of the amazing reminders of Advent is that He has come to do it for us, because He loves us. He has come to give us a gift, the gift of Himself.

The gospel. It is a story most of us are probably familiar with. But to be honest, I sometimes need reminders. Like that day I stumbled across that website, I can be scared, wondering "what about this mistake? What about this sin? Does this disqualify me? Is this too much for God to forgive?"

That story of the One who was born for us, died for us, loves us, desires us. It's an old story, but I've found that I always love to hear it again.

Some Thoughts for Advent

2007-12-03T17:09:00.000-08:00

I lied at the doctor's appointment that day. We sat there, me and the boys, discussing what would happen if worse came to worse, and I was trying to say all the right big-sisterly sorts of reassuring things, when the doctor walked in, breaking our discussion off mid-sentence. He went through that usual check off sheet--have you started any new medications? Who's the president? And so on. But what was I supposed to say when he asked me how my moods were? I couldn't tell him that life was going to heck in a hand basket. So I smiled and said great, just great. Well, I don't think he believed me, anyway.

That's the problem with pain, though. So much of it is hidden. So much of it makes us invisible, because our real selves--the ones who love and hurt and feel--have to be kept behind a happy smiling mask.

The man behind you in the bleachers is being mocked by his co-workers because of his epilepsy. The woman beside you in the pew is being harassed by social services and is afraid she'll lose her children--even though she's a great mom. The family declares bankruptcy. The marriage is rocky but somehow survives his porn addiction, her affair. The adoption is terminated. The baby is forgotten in the car.

Some kinds of pain are tricky because it can be hard to find a healthy or appropriate way to talk about them. It's hard to talk about them without hurting, or even endangering the people involved. There are many good families who are harassed by social services--I have known at least three. But you can't go to your co-workers and say "man, I'm having a bad week! I'm afraid of losing my children!" It doesn't look good.

And so his troubled past still haunts you. You have forgiven him, and yet you worry each time he comes home so late from work, or when he goes off on those business trips. And you wonder who you can turn to. Because it's so easy for us to label each other based on what we have done, or even what we look like, what our titles are. Instead of really seeing each other. You love him. And you know he really has repented. He really has changed. You don't want them labeling him, labeling your marriage...You just wish there was someone you could talk to.

Pain makes us invisible. We no longer see each other, we no longer see ourselves. But one of the amazing things about Christ is that He chose to become the ultimate Invisible Man. He chose to become us--first by taking on flesh, living in this world where we get rocks in our sandals and tangles in our hair; and then by taking on our sin, becoming our sin, becoming us so that we could become His righteousness.

God knows what it is to be invisible, overlooked, forgotten. And often, it is me who is doing the forgetting. God loves us enough to risk Himself and be forgotten. The God of the Universe sees us and knows us. So it is in turning to Him, we become less invisible. It is in turning to Him that we can know and be known.

Living Our Questions

2007-11-03T09:18:00.000-07:00

I haven't been blogging lately for a number of reasons, but mostly because I've been busy living out my questions.

I think there are at least two kinds of questions we get along this Christian journey--the ones we can answer by reading a book or article, and the ones we have to work through by living life. Often, these two types of questions overlap.

Does scripture contradict itself? Is it historically accurate? Those are the sorts of questions that--for me--I can find satisfying answers to with an apologetics website.

How can I learn to forgive? What should reconciliation look like? Those are the sorts of questions that need to be worked through by a change in the way we live.

In a way, all of the Christian life is like a question--perhaps "what does it look like for me to live out my new life in Christ?"--a question based on truth, that changes the way we live.

Quote of the Moment

2007-11-03T09:17:00.000-07:00

"It is so, so cumbersome to believe anything at all."

-Don Miller

A Thought

2007-10-06T18:22:00.000-07:00

I have never met a homeless atheist. I'm sure there are some out there, but I've never met one. Homeless people have asked me if I know about Jesus, asked if we could pray before sharing a meal, told me that we too are a part of God's story. But none has ever told me he did not believe in God.

A Few Thoughts on Pride

2007-10-01T19:11:00.000-07:00

Lewis points out that "pride is essentially competitive--is competitive by its very nature." Pride is forever seeking to be better than.

This makes me think that perhaps pride is a pessimist, love an optimist. Pride tells us, "oh, it wasn't that great, she isn't that beautiful, he isn't that smart." It is risky to take pleasure in something outside of ourselves, because we might not measure up. Humility allows us to enjoy the beauty around us. Humility allows us to enjoy God.

Quote of the Moment

2007-10-01T18:06:00.000-07:00

"Nearly all those evils in the world which people put down to greed or selfishness are really far more the result of Pride."

-C.S. Lewis
Mere Christianity

A Prayer on Yom Kippur, the Jewish Day of Atonement

2007-09-22T15:01:00.000-07:00

May we who hear, but fear it is too good to be true, have healing
May we who hear, but are confused, have understanding
May we who hear, but do not respond, remember again the beauty of
Your truth
May we who hear, but have our vision blurred by memories, find peace
May we who hear imperfectly, live imperfectly, know imperfectly
Never hesitate to listen, to try, to love,
That we might know more of You with each imperfect step

Lent in September

2007-09-22T14:26:00.000-07:00

Do you observe Lent in any way? I used to not really get the whole fasting thing. For years, I'd give up chocolate each spring as a way of earning brownie points with God. I found this frustrating--I couldn't see why God would care whether or not I had a Snicker's bar in the first place. Then again, I never lasted more than a few days.

Then, not too long ago, a friend told me about how he uses Lent as a time to re-submit himself to God. And, as part of that process, he lays aside anything that might be standing in the way of their relationship. At the end of Lent, he will prayerfully decide whether to bring those things back into his life.

We all know that sometimes hobbies, activities, interests--even really good ones, like attending eight Bible studies a week; or learning Greek, Hebrew, and Latin-- can get in the way of our relationship with our Father in Heaven. I love my recent obsession--er--hobby. Forty days seems like forever. But I think that Lent can't come soon enough for me.

Father, I want to want You. Help me to live in such a way that I never hesitate to follow You. Forgive me for the petty things that I allow to distract me from You each day. Please take these forty days, this tiny sacrifice, and use it to draw me nearer to You.

Quote of the Moment

2007-09-15T18:13:00.000-07:00

"When I am talking to somebody there are always two conversations going on. The first is on the surface; it is about politics or music or whatever it is our mouths are saying. The other is beneath the surface, on the level of the heart, and my heart is communicating that I like the person I am talking to or I don't. God wants both conversations to be true. That is, we are supposed to speak truth in love."

-Donald Miller
in "Blue Like Jazz"

Defining Our Mission Fields

2007-09-03T17:35:00.000-07:00

I dream of working in an orphanage. I dream of being a second grade teacher. I dream of adopting four--no six--children from Russia, or South America, or Africa. But today I'm a twenty-three year old with too much debt left over from college and an entry-level job, who's mother has very graciously let her live at home and share a room with her younger brother (poor guy).

Tonight I was thinking about how we don't become missionaries for God in ten years, ten months, or ten weeks. 1 Corinthians 12:5 says "There are different kinds of service, but the same Lord."

If we are following Him, we are right where He wants us to be. For me, that means I am a missionary to my friends, my family, the people I work with, the two Mormon missionaries I've been meeting with each Thursday night...As I remember that they are the people God has given me to serve, I am more willing to wash the dishes, take the short lunch break, brush off the comment..."Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another's feet."

What about you? What is your primary mission field?

Prayer of the Children

2007-08-29T18:12:00.001-07:00

Came across this long-forgotten song last week. May we always have ears to hear.

A Goal

2007-08-28T15:37:00.000-07:00

I want to be more amazed by God's grace than I am by my own sinfullness.

Invisible

2007-08-28T15:00:00.000-07:00

Our God is the God of hidden things
When I am in my secret place
Or in the crowd, calling out
When I am on the stage, hidden behind my costume
He sees me
He knows me
With God there is no Anonymous
No Vail
No Invisible Man

The heavy burden of secret sorrows
Press down on us
I laugh to hide the tears
I smile to hide the pain
I know the act all too well

Our friends walk through us
We are not people, but objects
Symbols
Even my enemies have forgotten me

The pit of sin has trapped us
I lie bruised and bleeding in the darkness
In fear, I struggle to hide myself
Like a middle-aged man
Trying in vain to hide a bald spot under too little hair
And not even fooling himself

We pretend
And yet the burden remains
We long to be found
Or perhaps find ourselves

Our God is the God of mysteries
Confused in the darkness
Or in the crowd, crying out
When I am on the stage, hiding behind my mask
He remembers me
He loves me

Laziness as a Habit

2007-08-27T17:48:00.000-07:00

I guess I'll just have to be blunt. I'm lazy. Undisciplined.

I took piano lessons this past summer. I love music. Honest. And yet my music books would sit on the piano bench gathering dust until the day before my lesson--or sometimes the HOUR before my lesson--until at the last moment I would try to cram. It didn't work when I took trig (either the first or second time...) and it didn't work with piano, either.

Occasionally, I could fake it. I would talk big to my teacher--"I loved this part of the song [because I actually know how to play it...], but I really struggled with this portion [I think...though I've only attempted it once so I don't really know]."

I'm not a horrible musician, but my talent is certainly not such that I could ever go professional...When I don't practice for my lesson, the stakes are not that high, though I have essentially thrown away some money.

But what about when this lack of discipline, this laziness, comes out in other areas of my life? What about when it effects my walk with God?

How consistent am I about reading the Bible? Setting aside time for quiet, focused prayer? Enriching and being enriched by a small community of believers?

When I am sad or confused, I devour my Bible like the essential food to the soul that it is. I fast. I drive to my favorite grassy field, that place where God met me so many years ago, so I can talk to Him and listen for His voice, uninterrupted, undistracted. When I am joyful, I revisit my favorite scriptures. I sing psalms of praise.

But then there's day to day life. That takes discipline, consistency. So often in the "bleh" of life, I'll perhaps read a few verses from the Bible (and not really think about them), breathe a quick "thank you for Your amazing blessings...please help me to follow You." And I'll collapse into bed. But would I really throw my leftover time to the Lord of my Life like that if I was really trying to let Him be Lord of my Life?

I hope I'd never treat a spouse or child of mine that way. Our relationship would suffer. Fizzle. So why do I treat my most important relationship that way?

I want to serve God's children more faithfully. Hear His voice more clearly in the little moments of life. Allow Him to shine through me to others in a deeper, fuller way.

But as I reach out, I must continue getting to know Him better, growing deeper in my relationship with Him.

He is loving, holy, good. Why would I settle for anything less?

In for all I'm Worth

2007-08-07T19:14:00.000-07:00

I went to visit my Dad this summer. Dad lives by the ocean in California. I mean, right by the ocean. I could hear the waves splash and crash as I lay in bed. I could walk along the beach before most people woke up each morning.

The ocean is amazing. I live without an ocean. I grew up without the ocean. When Mom says "Let's go to the beach," she's talking about the reservoir. I think the thing that really stuns me about the ocean is it's size. You can't see across it. The waves aren't made by speed boats. It's not a reservoir.

I loved walking beside the ocean, feeling the soft sand in my toes--the way it burned the bottoms of my feet one moment, and the next I would be shocked by a cold splash of water. But I really wanted to swim. I'm not much of a swimmer, but I was drawn to the ocean somehow, so I didn't want to go all the way to a California beach only get wet up to my knees.

So on my last day with Dad, I woke up especially early, put on my swimsuit, walked down the sidewalk, across the street, and through the sand, to the edge of the water. And there I waited. And waited. And waited. I'd take a few steps in...and then a few steps out. The water was just so cold!

The sun was getting higher in the sky. I knew I'd have to leave soon. My heart sank as I thought about the opportunity I might be too chicken to take. At last, nervous, expectant, excited, I took a deep breath, counted to three, and ran into the splashing waves for all I was worth.

"IT"S COLD!!!" I screamed, drawing the attention of the people who had begun to arrive, and filling my mouth with salty water. "I'M GOING TO FREEZE!"

I felt myself swept up, shoved, no longer in control of myself, but moved along by the waves. It was amazing. Glorious.

All this to say that lately I've been holding back. I know I've been holding back. I'll take a few steps toward my God, then get nervous, or lazy, or...or something and back away.

I see the beauty, the vastness...It's unlike anything else I know. It would be a tragedy, the tragedy of life, to say I only went knee deep, that I never swam in this Ocean. And yet I continue to come up with a million reasons not to.

So tonight I come again. I stand here again, nervous, expectant, excited as I take that deep breath. And I'm counting to three. One, two...

Welcome Friends

2007-07-26T10:29:00.000-07:00

I wonder what it would look like for me to truly follow my God and love my neighbor? I'm only in ankles deep and this journey is already proving trickier, more complex, more exciting than I ever imagined. Care to join me?